• Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
• Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see boyfriend/husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.
• Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.
• Turn on hot water only.
• Get in the shower -- once you've found it through all the steam.
• Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
• Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
• Rinse hair.
• Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
• Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
• Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.
• Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been EATING your Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).
• Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.
• Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
• Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
• Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
• Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
• Turn on the water.
• Check for pecs again. (Still No.)
• Get in the shower.
• Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
• Wash your face.
• Wash your armpits.
• Wash your penis and surrounding area.
• Wash your ass.
• Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
• Make a shampoo Mohawk.
• Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
• Pee.
• Rinse off and get out of the shower.
• Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

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